That NEW Adage

A pressure-relief valve about God, and just about everything else.

“Mythologetics”

Mythologetics (mi thol e jeh dixn.    The vigorous defense of indefensible theological positions:

God wants you rich, and if you are poor, you are out of His will. God wants you healthy, and if you are sick, your faith is lacking. Jesus didn’t come here as God. God is subject to the will of man.

Jesus is NOT God. The Holy Spirit is only God’s “active force.” There is no Hell, one just ceases to exist. Our bible only has necessary changes, they were not made to support our particular positions.

There is no “Trinity.” (that word is not even IN the Bible) Those who believe that believe in three gods.

God was once a man, and man will be a God. Jesus and Lucifer are brothers in the spirit.

God is whatever we believe him to be, male, female, tree, bird, river. He IS all, and is IN all. There are millions of paths to what we call “god.”

Jesus was a great man. No less, but no more. Another in a long line from Moses to Muhammad.

Mary was divine, and different saints should be prayed to for certain needs. Forgiveness of sin requires that we, in part, do atoning work.

There IS no God! Evolution is the engine of creation. No further questions need be asked. The Bible is a well-written work of fiction.

If our good deeds outweigh our bad deeds, we go to Heaven. It’s kind of like a cosmic football game. And God knows my heart. I’m basically a good person. Sin is only that of which I personally disapprove. There is no Truth other than what I personally believe.

Everybody goes to Heaven… racists, adulterers, thieves, fornicators, homosexuals, liars… everybody.

God only asks that we be “spiritual,” that we be “spiritually grounded.” Whatever way we are born to be is the way He made us, and to try to change would be violating His perfect will for our lives.

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January 29, 2009 Posted by | Atheism, Benny Hinn, Carlton Pearson, Christ, Christian Life, Christianity, Creflo Dollar, Faith, False Prophets, False Teachers, Hell, Hermeneutics, Homosexuality, Jehovah's Witnesses, Juanita Bynum, Kenneth Copeland, Morality, Oprah Winfrey, Pantheism, Paula White, Religion, Satire, Semantics, Sin, T.D. Jakes, TBN, Truth, Word of Faith | Leave a comment

How many I.Q. Points Do You Lose When You get Your Wisdom Teeth Pulled?

Knowledge is only a plow.

WISDOM is the ox that pulls it.

     Derrick L. Williams

September 18, 2007 Posted by | Adage, Analogy, Axioms, Proverbs, Quips, Truth, Words, Words of Wisdom | Leave a comment

Candy Dates

Why are they called “candidates” when they are never CANDID about anything?

September 12, 2007 Posted by | Al Gore, Barack Obama, Conservatives, Cynicism, Democrats, Elections, George Bush, Hillary Clinton, Humor, John Edwards, John McCain, Language, Liberals, Mitt Romney, Political Correctness, Politics, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, Satire, Semantics, Truth | Leave a comment

Oh! I’m Sorry, God. Was That YOUR Sandwich?

How do you expect to spend eternity in

Someone’s house and not bother to get to know HIM?

Get to know the real God you claim.

September 12, 2007 Posted by | Advice, Bible, Christianity, Evangelism, Faith, God, Humor, Intelligent Design, Monotheism, Polytheism, Quips, Religion, Salvation, The Bible, Truth | Leave a comment

The Charlatan’s Mantra

 “Have a need?

Plant a seed.

Stop! Don’t read!

Put on speed!

Feed my greed!”

Sheep, take heed!      Derrick L. Williams

September 5, 2007 Posted by | Benny Hinn, Bishop, Bishop Clarence McClendon, Bishop Thomas Weeks, Charlatans, Christianity, Creflo Dollar, E. Bernard Jordan, Faith Healer, False Doctrine, False Prophets, False Teachers, Food for Thought, Frederick Price, God, Hermeneutics, Immorality, Joel Osteen, Juanita Bynum, Kenneth Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Kerney Thomas, Paul Crouch, Paula White, Prosperity Gospel, Pulpit Pimps, Quips, Religion, Robert Tilton, Rod Parsley, Salvation, TBN, Televangelists, The Bible, Thomas Weeks, Truth, Word Network, Word of Faith | 5 Comments

The Boy Who Cried “Wolf!” Was Right. Once.

I, being a musician, am up till the wee small hours of the night. in what is perhaps not the best expense of my time, I usually end up watching televangelists on networks such as, BET, TBN, the Word network, and the God Channel (how presumptuous!). Some may call me a “heresy hunter,” or some other such derisive term designed to steer one’s focus away from “the  man behind the curtain.” (see: “The Wizard of Oz”) In my mind, I am fulfilling a Biblical mandate to defend and protect the faith which was handed down to us. I don’t “hunt” heresy. I am simply a Christian who is learning about the Lord, and who sees a need to defend His character as I would my earthly father if he were being constantly lied on and misrepresented. I NOTICE heresy. I don’t get caught up in the charisma or the personality of a “Mand of Gawd.”* God is not Santa, and these hucksters are not His little helpers. They’re more like little “self-helpers!”

“Pastor” Kerney Thomas, is a popular (I guess) late-night info-preacher, that is known for his empassioned, almost tearful pleas on behalf of those poor souls who need his healing power, his healing hankies, his anointed oil, and YOUR money. So that you may know him when you see him, he looks like Clifton Davis**, and he frequently breaks into these sudden, startling shouts when the power of GOD! is released on someone, whether in person or through the teevee screen. He apparently is so anointed that his healings are effective on tape at three-fifteen in the morning when all the ladies with the green dresses on, and nebulous migraine headaches are asleep! Wow!

One problem: If he is so good at healing folk — through the power of GOD!– why is he going bald?

Can’t GOD!, grow hair?

Why does he heal the chicken parts, the backs, and legs, and necks of people who are still overweight and still wear glasses?! Wouldn’t a true God be able to restore sight and take off a few pounds? It is interesting that Bruh*** Thomas only heals that which cannot be seen. Through the power of-GOD!

If God– the REAL God– can make a man out of some DIRT (which He did), can’t He replace a leg? If He can raise someone who has been dead for days, can’t he put an eye into an empty socket? On teevee? Yeah, Benny Hinn, or some other one, always tells stories about people being raised from the dead watching his program, or what happened in some revival in east Africa somewhere, or in Iowa forty years ago, but we never see it on teevee. All we see are people getting up from wheelchairs (that were probably given to them on the way in! Robert Tilton!).

Rather than join in the chorus of “Fake!, Fake!,” many of those claiming Christ would rather squelch the cries by calling us heresy hunters. Rather than examining these public teachings, which should rightfully be scrutinized, they launch websites casting  judgments on people who are simply pointing out the wolf. But all the while, they say that it is wrong to judge… Why don’t they see the contradiction in their diction? It is as if they are saying, “It’s wrong to hate, so I hate those who hate me.”

These people are the Discovery Channel hyenas that feed on the old and weak wildebeest and zebras in the teeming, needful herd, and just like hyenas, they laugh sarcastically at us all for not being learned and able enough to protect them. So, if I had only two choices, I’d rather be a “Heresy Hunter” than an accomplice to the pillage of the poor!

*Man of God, Preacher

**Used to be an actor, now a TBN host.

***Brother

September 3, 2007 Posted by | Benny Hinn, BET, Charlatans, Christianity, Common Sense, Faith, Faith Healer, False Doctrine, False Prophets, False Teachers, Humor, Kenneth Hagin, Kerney Thomas, Logic, Pulpit Pimps, Religion, Robert Tilton, TBN, Televangelists, The Bible, The Nature of God, Truth, Word Network, Word of Faith | 3 Comments

“What Building? All I See Is A Wall!” said the Ant

Let me get this straight: The farther we get away from an event, the LESS true it becomes? This is Bill Maher’s logic. That because somebody told somebody else that some guy named “Jesus” allegedly lived two thousand years ago, and allegedly rose from the dead (how ridiculous!), flew up to heaven, and told us that we also would eventually rise, too much time has passed, and we are too modern to believe such fairy tales. (when was the present ever past? all times were modern once) By this reasoning, what we say and do now will, in twenty more centuries, not have been said or done. Time doesn’t diminish truth! (Look at how revered Muhammad Ali is now. People hated him forty years ago for his stance on the war.) 

People like Maher call Christians arrogant for assuming that they know the Truth shown them by some MAN, but how much more arrogant is it for him to command God to personally show him the facts?! (He DID already) Besides, he believes just as firmly the truth of the position he promulgates as I do mine. Yet no one points this logical contradiction out to him. He calls Christians naive for denouncing evolution, but how much more naive is it for him to hold onto an invisible rope that believes everything came from nothing?! People like this use the Bible like anti-biotics; they take in just a little bit, thinking they’ve got enough, and before long, the ignorance causes calamity. We have to take the FULL dosage in order to be made whole.Standing in the front doorway of the Empire State Building will not give me an indication of its grandeur, but from a few blocks away, its fulness can be known more clearly. Likewise, moving farther away from the life of Jesus can give us a true perspective on His actual Godness.

Many of those seeing Him up close completely missed the big picture, thinking He was there to conquer the Romans in warfare, or that He was merely a troublemaker.

Time and distance show us who Jesus really was. We see a Church numbering into perhaps billions in spite of centuries of persecution and martyrdom. With the canonization of the entire Scripture, we see fulfilled prophecies and numerous healings and other miracles that point to His Godness. We have archaeological evidence and non-biblical testimony which verify the accuracy of the Bible, and the occurrences of miracles.

Maher cleverly “ridiculizes” the Christian faith by saying things such as, “Christians look up in the sky waiting for some MAAAGICAL man to fly down and scoop them up and flyyyy them through the solar system to a place called ‘Heaven.’ This invisible magic man in the sky wrote the Bible with his invisible hand, and taaaalks to them and tells them seeecrets and stuff.”

He didn’t say these exact words, but I’ve heard him say this kind of stuff many times. I actually think he is quite funny. Just misguided. And I DON’T mean that condescendingly.

The thing is, one could use that line to make anything seem stupid: ca. 1893. “There’s this guy who’s goin’ around sayin that in a hunnerd years, man’s gone be able da flyyyy through tha aaairrr in big giant metal macheeeens! He claims we’ll be able da clear fordy akers a’ land ‘thout horse nur MULE! He says that a fella’ll be able da stan’ in Neew Yo-werk Ciddy’n tawk inta this thang called a my-kro-phoam ‘n’ you c’n see ’em clear in Nevada on whatcha call a pitcher-box at da saaaame tiiiime! Heck, he ee’m reckons a man’ll WALK ON DA MOON! Have you ever heard such a load a’ puckey in yer LIFE?!”

The point is that those with a finite degree of understanding on a particular subject are well-served to understand that the human mind cannot contain infinite knowledge. What seems ridiculous is not necessarily so in the objective light of the facts. Sure, Mr. Maher, your jokes make me laugh. You are proof that it takes brains to be funny, but making a thing sound ridiculous does not necessarily make that thing a lie.

Who would’ve thought that a man could survive with a plastic heart? Who would’ve thought that a woman could be impregnated with sperm from a freezer?

And speaking of “ridiculous,” who, in the face of a mountain range of evidence, could still believe that we evolved from a single-celled organism, increasingly, stage by agonizing stage, realizing our limitations, and encoding the improvements to the next model, billions, quintillions of times, achieving the capacity for self-awareness, lust, and morality? When science tells us that things go in the OPPOSITE direction, from order to DISorder. How absuuurd! And who thinks of a fetus anymore as a “blob of GOO” as you put it?

Darwin can almost be excused for thinking such things, since he lived a century and a half ago, but not someone enlightened. You would rather believe in a racist theory with shaky – at best- evidence than to believe that an all-powerful being cannot exist without being seen. Heck, I exist, and Stevie Wonder can’t see ME! YOU have never seen me. I submit that EVERYTHING is the evidence of His being. Even the basic fact that you can think.

You say that you don’t know, one way or the other, but from the OTHER side of your mouth, you go about the business of trying to PROVE God’s nonexistence. What is the real truth?

The facts are out there but I fear that, like a President, you only listen to the ones that agree with your already made-up mind!

August 16, 2007 Posted by | Atheism, Bill Maher, Christianity, Common Sense, Current Events, evolution, Faith, God, Jesus, Logic, Miracles, Religion, The Bible, Truth | 1 Comment

Jesus Is Not The Result Of An Opinion Poll

Christianity is not right because I say so, any more than Niagra Falls is beautiful because of the mere opinion of the first person to see it.

He and I just adhered to the facts.

July 19, 2007 Posted by | Christianity, Common Sense, Food for Thought, God, Jesus, Logic, Religion, Truth | Leave a comment

Take God Out of Your Pocket

“Keep your religion private.”People say this all the time. Mostly in reference to athletes and public figures. Let me ask this:

How would you feel if you had this beautiful relationship with a person, this wonderful love, and they told you that they wanted to keep it TOTALLY private? How would your wife feel if, when you left home together, you treated her as if she didn’t exist?

Well, why would you expect a Christian to hide his sincere love for the God in whom he believes?  To us, God is as real as your spouse or parent is to you.

A lesbian entertainer, Rosie O’Donnell,I believe, while hosting an awards show,expressed her exasperation at the many winners- mostly rappers and RandB singers- thanking Jesus Christ in their acceptance speeches by making a statement something like, “l just saw God backstage, and He told me to tell the winners not to bother thanking Him, blah blah blah punchline.” The audience ROARED. ( Never mind the dubious sincerity of the thank You’s) But the irony is that that SAME lesbian proudly shoves her alternative sexuality in our collective face saying that there is now, therefore, no condemnation of this once deviant lifestyle. Curious. They attempt to force Christians into the same closet from which they have so triumphantly and trendily emerged.

Christophobes!!

Love for God when on display will, as they say in the kuntry, ”drive yuh or draw yuh.” You will either ‘Amen’ the expression, or be offended. The reason for the former explains itself, but why the latter reaction ? Perhaps it is because, at heart and without the Spirit, people are at odds with God and don’t want to be reminded of  Him in their “in-IKwiteh”,like the Black preachers say. Maybe they don’t want to deal with all the rules that come with the package (neglecting the fact that there are rules in every aspect of life). Maybe they don’t want to hear that their peccadilloes are in fact wrong.

(“Wrong”; an archaic term denoting an act or action not in line with certain laws, norms, or mores)

Maybe they resent being told, even by a God- CERTAINLY not by any of His representatives!- how to live, and that there are eternal consequences for what they do here.

Sometimes when my wife or a friend tells me about some wrong thing I may have done or said, l react with anger or rebuttal, knowing full well the truth of the claim. In interventions, the person being ”intervened” often gets angry at those who care enough to step between him and his compulsion. There could be a parallel here. I am sure, though, that scoffers would say that they simply prefer that religious people keep their religion to themselves.

( I would hasten to add here that, in fairness to Christians, we simply feel that we possess something so overwhelmingly precious that it would be horrendously selfish of us not to share it with the whole world. Or at least bless our food in public.)

So, let me see; you are not bothered by the sight of two women hooking up. You have no problem with the language that sails out over the airwaves. There is nothing wrong with the gossip that passes for INFOTAINMENT. Porngraphy serves a necessary purpose. You are not offended by the CONTENT of a lot of the records that receive awards, but let someone one time thank their “LordanSaviorJeesuhChrist”, or point to the sky after a touchdown, and you pitch a conniption! NObody else sees a problem with this? lt can’t be just ME. And, for the record, God is not too busy to find me a parking space, or to watch a basketball game! Any god whose hands get full is not worthy of worship!

Christianity is a ”personal” relationship, not a ”private” one, and YOU,  Rosie, or whoever you are, don’t get to redefine my personal beliefs for me just so you can remain in your comfort zone.

Your tactics are often effective- reversing the hold by making the ‘perp’ feel ashamed, self-righteous, and judgmental for his PDA towards the Object of his affection. It is the same maneuver gifted gabbers use when on the losing end of an argument. l have used it on my aforementioned wife and friends, knowing I was wrong and just wanting to win. But l was never able to fool myself, and neither can you. “Game reconnize game,” as they say, and the time for truth is now. l can’t OFFICIALLY read your mind, but l know what’s in there. lt’s as if you’ve got a plexiglass forehead.

Remember that cartoon about the man who found the singing frog at the construction site? He was going to be rich! He was going to hit Broadway, the talk shows and the recording industry. One problem: Whenever anyone else was around, the frog wouldn’t sing, and the possessor looked like a fool. No one ever heard the frog sing, and the man eventually went insane. What good is a singing frog if nobody hears it?

Likewise, what good is a faith without evidence?

Without expression?

If a Christian hollers hallelujah in a forest, and no one hears, does he make a difference?

July 11, 2007 Posted by | Christianity, Faith, Immorality, Morality, Political Correctness, Truth | 2 Comments

YOU CAN’T WRAP THE POLE AROUND THE SNAKE

If God changed the rules just for you, He would be doing dirt to those condemned all through history. You don’t agree with what you were told the Bible says, or with what you read in it, but you perhaps want to feel “spiritual”, whatever that really means, so you rationalize your desires by changing the properties of God to fit your behavior or thought pattern. You say, and begin to believe, that those fanatic, fundamentalist prudes just took verses out of context in order to oppress and control others.

Only you and those who think like you have the TRUE God. You don’t apply strict hermeneutic principles of interpretation, in fact, you rarely use the Bible at all to find and do God’s will– You and He are TIGHTER than that. He bypasses the Word and speaks to your very heart.
So you develop this world view that lets you get high, or mess around sexually, or think that there is no inherent difference between men and women.

He lets you believe that your countless good deeds will allow you to bypass the normal process of entrance into Heaven. Y’all are tight like that. He knows YOUR heart. The Bible, for you, is no more than a general rule of thumb, having been so irrevocably corrupted by mere men over the centuries.

So, why even bother to read it? It doesn’t matter that what He spoke to YOUR heart was the EXACT opposite of what He told the Muslim, and the Hindu, and the Universalist, and the Jehovah’s Witness, and the Mormon. You say they all are true, and that everyone must find his own path. That is SOOO deep! Wowww!

Never mind the logical absurdity of the whole thing, it works for you, and your life is good right now. Besides, nobody REALLY knows how the whole thing shakes out anyway. We probably will all  just cease to exist when we die, so we should get the most out of life now. You are just playing it safe by putting a chip on every number on the wheel.

Whatever the truth ends up being, though, you KNOW those crazy evangelical pain in the butt repressed know-it-all Christians are the only ones who are DEAD wrong! Any fool can see that!
You and God are TIGHT!
Closer than grits ‘n gravy.
Tighter than a fat man’s shoes, and a ten-year-old Easter suit!
He wouldn’t let you go wrong.

Just one thing, though. You might wanna check just to be sure. I mean, you could leave here now and fall dead. You may have cancer right at this moment, and I would hate to think that someone as thorough as you seem to be might have missed a ‘t’ or an ‘i’.

What kind of God CHANGES? What kind of Supreme Omniscient Being fails to see around a corner or over a hill? Why would He have more than one standard? Why would He call Himself Everything to a Christian and Nothing to a Buddhist? How could He still be God?
Why would He tell some White men that Blacks are cursed and less significant, and tell some Blacks that White folks are devils?
How can He be God and be unable to preserve His Word throughout time?

Why would an infinitely ingenious God leave as the primary means of communication the fragile, inefficient, notoriously unreliable, often darkly wicked human mind? Or the fickle heart which fluctuates like a yo-yo dieter?
Would a true God say one thing about behavior at one point, and then say something else upon further review?
Would a God say “One man, one woman, no ‘co-habitating’, stay sober,” and then change His mind because He now sees that folks’ feelings are getting hurt, and that those views are now “old-fashioned?”
Would a God go out of style?
Would a God truly have a double-standard? One for you, and another for someone else? Wouldn’t His Standard be objective– viewable, knowable from every angle?
I suggest that since you and He are TIGHT you ask Him what and where that Standard is, and for Him to secure IT- and Himself- squarely in the center of your heart.

I say this because I don’t think a god that can be bent and twisted to your will- or my will- is strong or stable enough to do anything for anybody, let alone create a Heaven or an Earth. Let that god crumble amid the ruins.

I’m just looking out for you. Just a little common sense…

Cuz we TIGHT like that.

July 10, 2007 Posted by | Christianity, Common Sense, God, Morality, Political Correctness, Relativism, Religion, Truth | 1 Comment

GODzillas In ‘Gator Shoes

Real monsters have no sharp teeth and bulging eyes.

They don’t have swinging tails or leathery skin.

Real monsters are smooth and attractive.
They wear fine clothes and drive glorious cars paid for by you.
They wear pinky rings and gilded crosses.
They live in homes mortgaged with your souls.
They whisper nothings in your ear that make you rely on your own inabilities.
They put you on a pedestal and pull God down.
They erase His features and draw yours.
They increase your desire for money, while ironically divorcing you from the little you have.
They calmly close your Bible and gaze into your eyes sincerely.
“We won’t be needing this,” they whisper, smiling. “I got a story to tell.”

You become so enchanted that you follow THEM.

Rather than the God they falsely proclaim.

God’s Word is the microscope that can show you the REAL face of the monster,
but you wield it – if at all- awkwardly, like a child swinging an axe.
The monster has you now.
And you don’t recognize him.

Because you think that real monsters growl.

But real monsters are cunning.
They know that in order to feed, they must sneak up quietly.
Real monsters, false profits, engorge themselves on your ignorance.

July 10, 2007 Posted by | Charlatans, Christianity, False Prophets, False Teachers, Pulpit Pimps, Religion, Truth, Word of Faith | 2 Comments