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A Few More Licks…

Okay, I spent yesterday and today dealing with the spanking issue. I post all of this material on another site of the same name, and someone challenged me there. It gave me a chance to be more specific, and so I wanted to post the interaction here. I know that there are varying opinions, and I am not afraid to deal with them. The italics in Don’s portion of the post are mine… Here we go.
Don Pratt said…

I’m confused by your comparison. Those are two separate issues and people DO NOT fall on the same side of both issues. It does not follow that those who are pro-choice are against spanking. There ‘pro-choicer’s’ who spank, and some who don’t. There are right-to-lifers who spank, and some who don’t.

And regarding spanking: the studies conclusively prove that spanking causes harm. I find it puzzling that there’s even a debate.

May the peace of Christ be with you!

November 29, 2007 7:06 PM

 

 

MaxDaddy said…
Thanks for the comment, Don.
I am making what I feel is a valid generalization.

My point is this: generally speaking, liberals are the ones who don’t like spanking. Generally speaking, liberals are the ones who are in favor of abortion.

I find it odd that, generally speaking, those who say that spanking causes harm — Oprah, and the like — are the ones in favor of the ULTIMATE harm of killing a baby.

I know that there are opinions on both sides. I am speaking in general.

The word “liberal” (not as in “Democrat”) in itself defines the behavior that would allow kids to have more liberty in terms of being disrespectful, and disobedient, etc.

The same word defines the type behavior that would think that killing an unborn baby is a better solution than celibacy or sexual responsibility.

It is a liberal mindset that says to abort a fetus when it is inconvenient to carry it to term for whatever reason. The majority of abortions are NOT because of rape or incest, by the way. (And how is it the baby’s fault how it was conceived? Why do ignominious circumstances warrant the death penalty for the innocent?)

Of COURSE there are studies that prove spanking causes harm! There are studies that prove that NOT spanking causes harm, that spanking does good, that two parents are better than one, that two women make just as good parents, that gayness is unchangeable and genetic, that gays CAN change,  that aspirin does good, that aspirin harms, that heat is good for sprains, and that ICE is good for sprains! Global Warming studies go both ways, too.

Heck, the TOBACCO industry can put up studies that show that smoking is not harmful!

Studies have shown that there is a study to prove both sides of every issue in existence!

I submit that YOU probably adhered to the study that fell in line with your notion.

My personal study is like the scientific method of observation! I have seen where whacks on the butt, in proper administration, have been extremely effective. I have seen “time out” and the like fail miserably.

Practically every human being I have ever met, White, Black, Asian, Native American, etc. was spanked as a child! The number of them that turned out productive is in the upper nintieth percentile! Yeah, there are a few drug addicts in there, a couple who did time, but my (non-scientific) research has shown that usually the reason they turned out bad was because of other factors like being spanked out of anger or abuse, parental neglect, or some like reason.

I have seen spanking without love, restraint, and other proper measures fail horribly, and I have seen “reasoning” ridiculed by children who know that they are dealing with saps, wimps, and suckers!What do you do with the brute or the bully who refuses reasoning or time out? What do you do with little Billy who refuses to stay grounded, or refuses to not sneak and do what you told him not to do?

Spanking is a stopgap measure that plugs the dike until such time as little Billy develops the reasoning abilities to adhere to more mature methods.

BIBLE studies have conclusively proved that spanking, not abuse, is a Godly method of correction for a disobedient child.

“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, and the rod of correction will drive it far from him.”

“If you whip a child, he will not die.” There are others. Different children require different degrees of discipline, and for some, spanking is a valid alternative.

God Himself spanks us in MUCH more painful ways than with a belt, and no one could accurately make the claim that HE causes us harm.

He took the life of David’s child because of David’s adultery and murder. How’s THAT for a whupping?!

Like you, I too find it puzzling that there is a debate. But the good thing right now is that You can raise YOUR kids the way you see fit, and I can do the same!

Please accept my words and be blessed!

Derrick.
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November 30, 2007 Posted by | Abortion, Christianity, Common Sense, Corporal Punishment, Discipline, Liberals, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, Parenting, Planned Parenthood, Pro-Choice, Pro-Life, Spanking | 5 Comments

“Thou Shalt Not Spank Thy Fetus.”

While I’m on the subject… 

Why is it that the very same people who cry about spanking are the ones who are okay with stabbing a LIVING fetus in the back of the head with a pair of scissors?

Why is it okay to kill a living, feeling human being, and not spank a disobedient child? Is it because there is no “hitting” involved in abortion?

These people act so tender and loving and caring and sensitive to the well-being of the most vulnerable among us. Why do they not react with outrage at the killing of an unBORN baby? Why are they so quick to make abortion about the woman and not the child? This is the Mount Everest of hypocrisy! Is a plane crash more about the plane, or the occupants?

If you truly care about the the littlest of us, show it by helping to make sure they at least GET here first without having someone vacuum out their brains while they wait innocently in line to simply be born!

“Love doesn’t hit!” they spout.

Well I doubt if love squashes out the life of a fetus because it interferes with the ability of the mother to “have it all,” or because she can’t afford it, or because the babyDaddy left, or because it would be embarrassing.

“Violence is not the answer,” they preach.

How doggone violent is an abortion? Pleeeze!

God told me to spank a foolish child and not to murder an innocent one. Case closed.

Will the passing of the proposed Massachussetts law mean that doctors who swat newborns will be arrested? I’m just asking…

You tell me to stay out of your bedroom. I suggest that you stay out of MY woodshed!

Some grown folk need to be whupped!

November 29, 2007 Posted by | Abortion, Christianity, Discipline, Parenthood, Parenting, Spanking | 4 Comments

Butts Are For More Than Just Shaking In Videos!

Spanking is NOT violence. Why should I even have to SAY that?! This is just a clever argument designed to cancel any potential disagreement. It is fallacious, though. Is ”violence” simply the act of one person physically inflicting pain on another? What about a car accident? Is that an act of violence? What about hernia surgery? Or a hernia EXAM for that matter! (Nawww, THAT’S some violence!)

A spanking is no more an act of violence than these occurrences.

And frankly, I don’t appreciate a shackin’, no-children-havin’, feminist, Universalist, New Age, talk show host tellin’ me how to raise my children in my Christian household!

Raise YOUR kids as you see fit. I will do the same. If YOU want kids who defy you, yell at you, disobey you, that’s fine. Mine won’t do those things. Not twice. I will not accept the label of ”abuser” because I choose to use a perfectly Godly method of discipline when necessary. Doing too little is as bad as doing too much. I suggest that one who is excessively liberal in dealing with his children is just as much an abuser as the parent who truly DOES beat his offspring. One who lets his kids run around doing what they please and talk back will unleash a complete terror on society. Those kids make teachers’ lives miserable, as well as shoppers, and co-workers later in life. They grow up to be awful friends, selfish paramours, and EX-husbands and wives. Check the divorce stats, if you think I’m lying! I propose that there are as many divorces, if not more, that had NO physical abuse but occurred because one or both parties had no willingness to tough out a rough situation selfishly choosing to ruin lives rather than live up to a commitment.See: Irreconcilable differences.

There are things that damage society just as much as child abuse– WHICH SPANKING IS NOT! Ask ENRON investors. Ask anyone who has suffered at the cloven hooves of a crooked politician.

Don’t try to trivialize a good point by saying that I think that the ills of the world will be solved with a belt. I am not ridiculous, so don’t you be. What I AM saying is that if you prune a shrub early, you stand a better chance of controlling and shaping its development.

Spanking is no more necessary in every situation as is the emergency brake in a car or a fire extinguisher– it is there for use in extreme cases. And different kids need different levels of discipline. My mother got only one spanking from her father, but some of her siblings got probably dozens. Oh, yeah, I just thought about it; the only sibling of hers to go bad was the one my grandmother wouldn’t let anybody touch! But THAT was just a coincidence, hunh experts?

When there was more discipline, there was less crime. There were fewer unwed mothers and fatherless children. Old people were respected, and children didn’t curse in front of grown-ups like they do now. The more lenient and ”progressive” we have become, the more incivil our world is. Whooh!! We really have evolved!

Gangs are RUN by kids. Kids with NO parental guidance. We are the first generation who are actually AFRAID of our children! Ask their innocent victims which is worse– a whipping or a bullet in the head.

”Nip it, nip it, nip it,” Barney Fife used to say. And I agree. My great-grandmother used to tell my father, ”Um gone git MY hands on you before the po-leece do, cuz they don’t care nudd’n ’bout cha! They’ll knock ya in na head an’ KILL ya!”  That is the truth. This world loves no one. It is hard and harsh, and will do whatever it can to take what you have. Including your life. A parent’s measured, Godly discipline is not harmful and will help a child avoid — or cope with– life’s potholes.

Christians have an ETERNAL perspective that allows us to see the tremendous difference between a whupping and death. We know that there are worse things in life than a child crying. We serve a God who tells us that whipping a child will not kill him. It is a temporary pain. God disciplines us in sometimes painful ways. We ALL will lose our lives. I am not angry with the Lord because I will die, or because my folks won’t live forever, and even if I did get angry, He is God enough to not let that make Him soft. He will hurt our feelings when and if necessary.

We, however, ARE soft. Rather than have our kids angry with us, we try to become their pals. A bunch of spineless yes-men! We try to reeezon with them. How can we reason with a person who doesn’t possess the judgment to drive a car or marry or drink alcohol or buy a gun or rent an apartment or share a toy or eat vegetables or stay out of mud puddles or come in when the street lights come on or not eat the Christmas lights!!! “STOP, MAX!!!”

I don’t necessarily have the time to explain the properties of alternating current and conductive metals to a doggone baby. I don’t necessarily have the time to explain how boiling water makes baby’s skin slide off. A sharp smack on the hand saves time, words, and LIFE!!!

We opened the gate wide and let them run around in traffic. So that WE could feel better about our compassionate selves. I say that a child getting hit by a metaphoric car out in that street is a DIRECT act of violence!

I’ll stop spanking my kids when Oprah starts spanking hers!

November 27, 2007 Posted by | Childhood, Christianity, Discipline, Family, Fatherhood, Liberals, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, Parenthood, Parenting, Spanking | 18 Comments

Oprah Got Bit By a Poisonous Water Hose!

“Basically, all religions have similarities. They all lead to God.”

 Yeah. And snakes and water hoses have similarities, too.

How can all roads lead to the same thing? Can one go east to get north? This is, frankly, a stupid supposition. How can all actions, all belief systems — monotheism, polytheism, pantheism, panENtheism, universalism, deism, relativism —  yield the same result? Does watering a plant get the same result as burning a plant? Does doing math on a history test bring an “A?” What kind of schizophrenic god would reveal his nature in contradictory ways? That’s like saying, “All people are basically Spiro Agnew.” Who would say that? And more interestingly, what idjit would publicly admit to believing it?

I have heard Madonna, Oprah (“You can’t possibly believe that there is just one path to God!!”), and other notables spout this unthought-out drivel, and their audiences nod numbly, approvingly. How can believing in a religion with NO god — Buddhism — get you to the same destination as one with MILLIONS of them — Mormonism?

Most people aren’t blind, they just have their eyes shut!

I often think that if we could hear the distant wailing throng from across the Divide, everyone would believe, but God said that even if someone came back from the dead, folk still wouldn’t be convinced. People would then probably only feign love and belief to avoid tarnation. There is a universe of evidence as it is. And it is not all locked up in some codebook somewhere. The very sky shouts!

How do you think Miles Davis would feel if they gave a Grammy award for “Kind of Blue” to 50 Cent?!

Or if they said that the album wrote itself? Or that the vibrations that move in all matter and non-matter emanating from the impersonal father Universe coalesced on a sub-atomic level to consummate the harmonic modal progressions that resulted in this aural masterpiece?

But it’s all the same, right?

November 27, 2007 Posted by | Atheism, Christianity, Christopher Hitchens, Madonna, Monotheism, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, Polytheism, Relativism | 3 Comments

Life is Jazz is Life

Jazz is life.

In jazz, you take accumulated technique, knowledge, and skill, and create art in an instant. You prepare, by practice and experience and learning, to take circumstances– chords, rhythms, emotion– and create the best possible way (for you) to maneuver through a situation.

You don’t necessarily know what will happen or how it will turn out. The bass player might go somewhere else, the piano player might play minor instead of major, or the drummer may switch up the rhythm, and your prior preparation will give you the vocabulary to tie it all together and make art.

Life is jazz.

No one knows the future, but our experiences– mistakes and successes– give us the chance to deal with it. Our parents give us training and discipline, as do teachers, friends, bullies, stray dogs, and hot stoves. We take our ups and downs and use them to color the coarse sackcloth that is life’s canvas.

Bad news from doctors, poor drivers, shadowy figures, financial straits, and unrequited loves give us all the opportunity to artfully dodge catastrophe and emerge from a given situation successfully.

In both cases we use what we know to get through what we don’t know.

Life is Jazz is life.

November 25, 2007 Posted by | Advice, Analogy, Art, Axioms, Jazz, Life, Life Lessons, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Race Your Awearness

Step inside my life,

Make yourself at home.

Sit down in my favorite pastime.

See if you like the way my culture fits.

Try on a pair of my circumstances.

Walk a mile in my issues.

Take a nap in my nightmares.

Turn the channel to my point of view.

Look in the pantry and taste my reasonings.

Try to wash off the smell of my common sense.

Walk up the frightened stares.

You can have what you find in my perseverance.

Can you spend my occurrences? 

No me like I no you.

                                  

Derrick L. Williams                                                                                                     

November 20, 2007 Posted by | Poetry, Race, Racism | 2 Comments

Engarde!

 This is a poem I wrote back in the nineties for a family member who wanted something for a church program. (It was my former home church, and I saw them beginning to fold in some Word of faith language and practice into the way of worship. This was a subtle way of letting them know a better route. It went ignored. I left.) It sums up my thinking concerning why I call out false teaching when I see it. It is not artsy and metaphorical.

The poem is different from the popular form of today. It rhymes.

What can we, as Christians, do to guard the Holy Word?

Exhort the body urgently to test the things they’ve heard

While television ministries abound, and are immense,  

The bulk of them are dubious to people on the fence.

Their doctrine is heretical, their prophecies are false.

Yet millions call them “acts of God”– the strange, hypnotic waltz.

But those among us tossed and blown by every wind of teaching,

Are unequipped to take the hands of wary skeptics reaching.

If we persist to give the Word a cursory perusal,

The world will greet our invitation with a flat refusal.

So be encouraged! Learn the Word for which the martyrs bled

And “show thyself approved” to speak and stand for Christ, the Head!

November 20, 2007 Posted by | Charlatans, Christianity, Creflo Dollar, Eddie Long, Frederick Price, Joyce Meyer, Juanita Bynum, Kenneth Copeland, Paul Crouch, Paula White, Pulpit Pimps, Rod Parsley, TBN, Word of Faith | 1 Comment

Buckles Made of Irony

With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I thought it apropos to post a brilliant nursery rhyme I penned as a tribute to the hardworking pioneers and pilgrims who lived so long ago:

One, two, buckle my shoe…

Three, four, milk a cow,

Five, six, yoke a mule,

Seven, eight, dig a well,

Nine, ten, pull up a stump.

Thank you. Derrick L. Williams.

p.s. They lived such eclectic lives…

November 19, 2007 Posted by | Humor, Irony, Nursery Rhymes, Thanksgiving | Leave a comment

Swimming Lessons.

My good-hearted 16-month-old son, Max, stands tottering on the shore of an ocean of sorrows. He has what appears to be the most friendly personality of any child in the world. He beams at the sight of other kids, never fights over toys, and when he smiles, he does so with his whole body! He loves to have fun, and possesses a wide-open heart. Life and this World are gonna KILL him!  Beat him to oatmeal! Waiting for him is a sea of sharks, jellyfish, and other predators seeking to drag him under and rip from him all the innocent, uncorrupted joy he now possesses.

Though I could bail him out and be a vessel by which he could navigate this ocean, I can only guide him while he swims alongside. It is with great sadness that I realize this. I have swum this way before, only barely making it without being consumed by rage, hatred, and selfishness. I didn’t know if I would make it, and I don’t know if Max will.

But God knows.

It is He who has given me the map by which I will lead my son. It is He who will instruct me as to what to say when the waves roll high and threaten to swallow him.

”Don’t let Life win, Son.

“Don’t let situations cause you to give up and become that which seeks to destroy you. Don’t be led by those unworthy. Make God your conscience. Know the right answers. USE them. 

“Every girl won’t like you. Some will hurt you. On purpose. Be nice anyway. Don’t let matters of the heart submerge you.

“Pain passes. Laugh when you need to. Cry when you have to. Keep swimming!

“Don’t let people be the riptide, the undertow that pulls you in an unGodly direction.

“Sit up front. Don’t back down. Don’t sell your friend out. You won’t have many.

“Life is hard. Often unfair. God is the prize. Know Him truly.

“Have your fun, but put in your work first. Stand flat-footed on your word.

“When you get tired, God will buoy you by the Spirit-shaped float inside you. 

“Keep this joy you have, only coat it with a veneer of strength with which to defend yourself. With this, you will be able to brush off the arrows hurled by those who will hate your love.” Daddy.

November 19, 2007 Posted by | Advice, Childhood, Christian Life, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, Fathers and Sons, God, Life, Life Lessons, Parenthood, Parenting, Parents, Words of Wisdom | 2 Comments

Reverend Corleone, Bishop Soprano, and Prophet Gotti

All the noise about the senate investigation of Klepto Dollar, Eddie Long(money), and the rest of the Prosperity Perps got me thinking.

We hear them all say, when asked about their ostentatious possessions, “It ain’t mine! It belongs to tha chu’ch!”

You know who else says that when grilled by the authorities? The Mafia! Drug dealers! Fat-cat corporate big wigs! Folks who get pulled over with weed in their pockets! (“Thass my cuzzin’ weed, Mr. Ossifer*! I swear! Theeze ain’t even my pants!”)

Is this just a co-incidence? Is it happenstance that the known crooks funnel their money through a maze of dummy corporations and “legitimate businesses” in the same way that these Prosperity Punks funnel all their stuff through the church?

It’s funny, though… When I heard I.V. Hilliard, another one, bragging about buying a jet, when I heard Fred Price boasting about his multi-thousand-dollar exoticar, I didn’t hear them say it belonged to the chu’ch. It was theirs! When Klepto and Taffi did that big spread in Ebony magazine a couple years ago, I don’t recall seeing them say that stuff belonged to the church, either.

As a partner of mine used to say, “These cats slicker than owl… feces!” 

Pity, though. Paula White can’t say that her plastic surgery belongs to the church.

The Church, however, does need a facelift!

*Officer

November 13, 2007 Posted by | Christianity, Creflo Dollar, Current Events, Eddie Long, False Prophets, Frederick Price, Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, Paula White, Pulpit Pimps, TBN, Televangelists, Word of Faith | 6 Comments

“Thou Shalt Sell No Bootleg Movies.”

The other day, while the band was on a break, the subject of the new Denzel movie, “American Gangster” came up. A couple of the guys were talking about how good it was, and since it hadn’t come out yet, I asked, “Waitaminnit. How y’all see the movie and it ain’t came out yet?” (My conversational grammar is not always as polished as my published grammar. Besides, there were no White folks around!)

They laughed at me, the church boy.

“Bootleg, mane*! You wont it? I got it,” Dude 1 said. (I’ll not name names here)

“Naw,” I replied. “I’ll wait to see it at the movies.” Chuckling.

Dude 2 laughed and said, “The preacher don’t want to tick the Lord off!”

Dude 1, the seller, eyed me sideways over the top of his shades and asked sarcastically, smiling, 

“The Lord don’t like bootleg?” He was trying to corner me…

“Nope.”

It is important for the sake of timing,  to note that the rest of this exchange came rapid-fire, without pause:

Dude 1 asked, “Aw, rilly**? Where dat at in the Bible?”

” ‘Thou shalt not steal!’  (They fell out laughing!) Yeah, thass EARLY in the story! Thass in the firss act, even before the firss commercial!” (They’re rolling, laughing now, falling backwards and stomping like we Black folk do. We LOVE to laugh.) Yeah, man, you ain’t even gotta be a theologian to know that one! I gotcha, didn’ I?”

“Yeh, mane! I cain’t argah*** witcha right there!” We kept right on laughing.

I don’t get many opportunities to preach to the guys with whom I work, and it is cool when I do. It is a delicate balance– trying to be relevant while not selling out the Lord. They see me as separate, not doing many of the things they do, yet they do not shun me thereby rendering me ineffective.

This is one small reason why I do not see a problem with what I do. I play music for a living. “Secular music.” (I HATE that term! Is YOUR job “secular”?) I don’t get high, I don’t get drunk, I don’t run around with women, etc. And if I slipped, my entire Christian witness would be torn down. But how many street folk read the Bible recreationally? How many of them go to church and ACTUALLY adhere to the ad they hear? We are told to go out inTO the world. That’s where the people are.

These guys knew that selling and buying bootleg movies was wrong. That’s common sense. I didn’t impart some startling new revelation to them. But what I hope I did was to let them know that God is in every corner of life. And that, hopefully by my meager example, it is possible to be holy and still be an enjoyable person to be around. Christian life is not to be boring and stiff! Will Heaven be that way?

*Man
**Really
***Argue

November 13, 2007 Posted by | Christian Life, Christianity, Common Sense, Entertainment, Food for Thought, Humor, Life, Life Lessons, Movies, Playing Music, Work | 2 Comments

Parentnoia!

That’s what popped into my head when my wife said I was being excessively worrisome about having a daughter. Oh, yeah… We’re having a GIRL!!! Just found out.

I got the shotgun on layaway.

How am I going to raise a girl? I’m not even talking about combing hair and buying baby dolls! I’m talking about BOYS! I have to teach her what the boys really mean. When they try to “just be friends.” I’ve got to show her how to recognize “game” when they shoot it at her. She has to know how to conduct herself. She can’t be flighty, and I don’t want any stuck-up queens in my house! I have to tell her about what is love and what is simply lust. I have to let her know not to flirt and lead them on. I have to teach her self-respect and purity. I’ve got to keep her out of the videos!

I’ve got to show her what to look for in a man, and how to treat a husband. I’m looking waaaay down the line. She’s not even here yet, and I’m thinking that if she wants to be a nun, that’s cool, too! Are there any protestant nuns…?

I’m thinking about boys coming to my door like crocodiles on a riverbank in Africa, trying to devour my baby like a wildebeest. I’m thinking about hurtin’ ’em! Shoot, every time you look around, some fool has bumped off his wife, or killed his girlfriend, and I’m thinking, “If you touch mine, I’m gonna clock you out!” I know that’s not exactly Christian. But mine ain’t the one to be messed with! I promise you that! I think that, as far as my daughter is concerned, domestic violence warrants the death penalty!

So, in order for me to keep from sinning against God by prematurely sending somebody’s son His way, I’m worrying about how to keep my daughter from swinging around on stripper poles!

I work in nightclubs. I see it all! I do sorority parties, and I see Daddy’s little girl making a drunken slut of herself on a regular basis. Daddy has no idea. I would think to myself, “Man! I’m glad I got a boy!” And look at me now. How am I gonna stop THAT from happening to mine?

I know the answers to these questions. But the reality is that even well-raised kids often go astray, and nowadays, with all the wanton immorality out there, one dalliance can spell a lifetime of disaster! I know about the prodigal son, but I don’t know if prodigal daughters come back.

I don’t want my daughter desensitized to the stigma of premarital sex and single motherhood. I don’t want her to think it’s cool to shack up, that that’s how you know if you’re compatible. I don’t want her to think that marriage is just a piece of paper. I don’t want my daughter to have given little pieces of herself away to the point where by the time she does meet her husband, there will be nothing left but a hollow shell. I don’t want a Paris Hilton, or a Li’l Kim, or a video rumpshaker.

I know, I know. If I set the right example, she will not fall for the”okey doke.” She will not let herself be mistreated.

But still… There is a lot more to deal with with a girl. There IS a double standard, and like it or not, it’s not going to change. No matter how hard the feminists try.

So yeah, I may be a little parentnoid, but that will keep me on my toes! And if any of you young boys out there think my daughter is a grape for you to pick from the vine, remember this:

By the time you get to my door, that shotgun will be out of layaway and in my lap. I will usher you directly into the Lord’s presence! My girl ain’t gonna be the lead story on “Unsolved Mysteries”!

November 13, 2007 Posted by | Fatherhood, Life, Morality, Parenthood, Parenting, Pregnancy | 7 Comments

Pregnant Pause

My wife, Kathy, is not ditzy. She is not an airhead. She is not goofy. She would want me to let you know this.

She IS pregnant, however, (Diana Elise. Baking rightly at 98.6 degrees!) and it is to THAT that I will attribute her latest expectant escapade:

“Oh LAWD!” she exclaims inside her head, “I can’t find the carkeys!” She had just walked out of her office building, having just gotten off.

“What am I gonna do?” she thought frantically, mind racing. She searched her purse. Nothing. Her coat pockets. Nope.

“I’mma hafta go all the way back in the building and retrace all my steps! Oh, LAWD!”

She’s trying to focus, but she can’t because the radio is up too loud. As she throws her head back into the  headrest and looks up through the sunroof at the rapidly purpling sky, Kathy begins to howl, laughing…

She is IN the CAR! It is RUNNING! She has unlocked the car door, gotten inside, closed the door, put the keys into the ignition, started it, buckled up,         and forgotten all of that!

Now, I know we all have looked for a set of keys that were in our hands, but I don’t think ANYone has ever sat inside of a running automobile and fretted over lost carkeys!

The Lord takes care of babies and fools, the saying goes… He got two for one in this case!

Part of the reason I married her is because of how funny she is, but she is USUALLY funny on purpose. I’m worried about her now, though. “For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for smarter or absent-mindeder?” I don’t know…

November 10, 2007 Posted by | Humor, Life, Marriage, Parenthood, Parenting, Pregnancy | 7 Comments

If They Think THIS is Bad, Wait Till GOD Gets His Hands on ‘Em!

Okay, let’s see where we are: Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer, Eddie Long, Kenneth Copeland, and Paula White are being investigated by the senate finance committee.

I wonder if they feel like the mafia felt when the U.S. government turned the full force of its wrath on them… I wonder if they are getting their lies I mean stories straight and lining up their ecstatically ignorant supporters with tales of persecution and such. I can hear the accountant’s papers shuffling, and the cell phone keypads tapping. And shredders are growling and regurgitating from being hastily overfed like my boy, Max does when I find myself in too much of a hurry to get him through eating so I can get back to watching “ESPN’s First Take.”

“The Rolls was a GIFT.”

“The mansion belongs to the chu’ch!”

“I need a 10 million dollar jet! I’m too bizzy to fly commercial.”

“This cosmetic surgery was just to clear up some… waitaminnit! WHAT cosmetic surgery?” 

“I have a particular hip problem, and my research showed that only a 23,000 dollar john would get to the butt of the issue. Besides, the Bible says that we are the head, but why shouldn’t the tail be well taken care of, too?”

“I ain’ gotta anser to tha world about God’s bizzniss! My sheep know my vo-ice!” (Yeah, but I bet your sheep can’t get a meeting with you, or ride in that jet, or visit that gated mansion!)

I can just hear all of the pimpish game they will perpetrate against those who follow them and who shout loudly, “Lalalalalalalalala” to keep the truth from crawling into their ears. They will create a siege environment like Jim Jones and David Koresh did where the “world” is trying to destroy the good work and prosperous living of God’s people.

Here is the punch line, though; If they think THIS investigation is intrusive and punitive, wait until they “getta loada” what God has in store for them! The GUBment only wants to know where the money went. GOD is concerned about

every. 

          single. 

                     aspect. 

                                 of.  

                                     their. 

                                               lives.

Every detail!

They have led millions away from the TRUE gospel. One which does NOT focus on the accumulation of wealth, but on the emptiness, the broken body, the shed blood of Christ. For this it is said that it will have been better for them if John Gotti had fitted them with cement boots and dumped them into a river. Direct quote…

They have loved money rather than the Savior. They have taught others to do so.

They have demoted God, and in some strange, cosmic mutiny, promoted man to His captaincy.

They have ineptly wielded the Sword of the Word of God and sliced up the souls of multitudes, many of whom are dead, gone, and unable to hit the reset button.

God alone knows the rest of what they have done. And there are dozens, even thousands more unnamed crooks who do the same and worse.

The judgment of a senate committee is nothing compared to the Omnipotent Panel of One that awaits those who use the Bible as a Player’s Handbook in order to manipulate the finances– and souls– of so many. This same judge will evaluate us in the same manner if we eschew the Love of and service to Christ in favor of selfish pleasure.

So, Klepto Dollar, Bentley Hinder, Joyce Mirer, Eddie Long(money), Kenneth (can’t)Copeland, Paula White(washed sepulcre), it looks like you will be getting a small, small preview of what may be in store for you if you remain in your current state. As for Fred (pay the) Price, Paul Crouch(ing wolf), Joel Ovaltine and the rest of you, you obviously don’t fear the God you defame, so maybe fear of the government hammer, public disgrace and financial devastation will make you stop victimizing the weak and unlearned.

It is not with glee, but with a feeling of impending justice being meted, that I ask, in the words of that illustrious theologian, T.O.:

“You gotcho popcone reddy?”

November 8, 2007 Posted by | Benny Hinn, Charlatans, Christianity, Creflo Dollar, Eddie Long, Frederick Price, Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, News, Paul Crouch, Paula White, Pulpit Pimps, Word of Faith | 34 Comments

A Link In the Change…

My best friend and I were talking about the “Dog, the Bounty Hunter” dude, and I said something to him that he insisted I put down here.

A lot of people who don’t come from those enslaved in this country like to tell us, when something like what Dog Chapman was just caught saying comes to light, “Just get over it!” This incenses me! But I am learning that peoples’ minds sometimes cannot be changed by the facts. Hearing that oft-repeated phrase just lets me truly see who I am dealing with. We should, they say, just get over the anger we feel at hearing that Notorious term hurled about in reference to us. Just get over slavery. Just get over second class citizenship, brutality, educational inequality, and discrimination of any sort. “Just Get Over It!”

That term is, to me, the new version of, “Some of my best friends are colored.”  I SEE you.

 “Actions ALWAYS have consequences.” This is what I told my friend. Like the Bible says: the father eats bitter grapes and the children get that stinging pain in the glands behind the jaw. I think that’s a direct quote…

By way of analogy, I told him,

 “Let’s see, there are, what, a hundred and forty-two years since slavery ended? How ’bout this: how ’bout I get one of those folks who say we should just get over slavery since none of us were slaves, how ’bout I get one of them to hold the end of a chain with a hundred and forty-two links in it, and I get a live wire and shoot about 50,000 volts through the other end of it! I bet they’ll feel the effects of it! I BET they won’t just get over that!

Every action that has occurred between the races in this country has had a consequence, positive or negative. My grandfather had to call a ten year old boy “Sir,” and as a result, I will not make my children say “Sir” or “Ma’am,” because I didn’t have to say it because my mother saw it happen and vowed that her kids wouldn’t go through that when bused to schools run by White teachers who didn’t want them there.

While we’re talking, why doesn’t God “just get over it”, too? I mean, by that same logic, why should I, or you, Mr. Insensitive Conservative, have to pay for what some guy named Adam did countless thousand of years ago? Right? Yet, WE all have to bear the penalty for his sin, right?

Discrimination is the thriving spoiled brat child of Slavery and Racism in this country. Wishing it away will not make it GO away. Dog, the Bounty Hunter just pulled back the curtain and let the light in. That uneasy feeling you have right now? Just get over it!

November 6, 2007 Posted by | Christianity, Culture, Dog Chapman, News, Race, Racism | 7 Comments

Quips

The KKK:

Dressed to oppress!

November 2, 2007 Posted by | Humor, Quips, Race, Racism | Leave a comment

Malaprops.

My wife, Kathy, is (sometimes unbeknownst to her…) proficient at the art of the malaprop. I sometimes slip up and do it too. She’s gonna kill me if she sees this…

She said that an old magician practices “crustydigitation!”

Kathy got a million of these! I got three. 

November 2, 2007 Posted by | Humor, Malaprops | Leave a comment

Cone CHIPPIN’!

All right, so here’s another one:

This is how slang terms get invented.

A couple years ago we, the house band at BB King’s club in Memphis, went to Chicago to do a gig at the Isaac HAYES’ club (this got us cussed out by Tommy Peters, the BB’s owner! “How tha bleep y’all gone take off from playin’ at MY fragglerockin’ club, an go all tha way ta ChaCAgo to put money inta tha pocket of tha shadrackin’ people that tryin’ ta shut my meshackin’ place down?!?). The parent company of Isaac Hayes club in Memphis “allegedly” tried to mount a subversive campaign to drive the club out of business.

We were known as “Ty Brown,” and to date, it is the best band I’ve ever played in. 

It was the dead of winter, and the eight of us were crammed into this 15 passenger van, which any musician or church group knows won’t seat 15 grown, often fat, people! It was TIGHT! Plus, all the pillows, blankets, bags and snacks took up any extra room. I, after six years of playing for blues singer, Denise LaSalle, had grown used to sitting in the back. Sorry, Rosa.

When we reached our destination, I squeezed my way out from the back past some of the guys in front of me who were moving too slowly. Then it hit me. Rather, it hit my NOSE.

“Man!” I said. “Somebody FEET cone CHIPPIN!” (meaning, for the unaware among you, that somebody’s feet smelled remarkably like an open bag of corn chips whose expiration date had lonnnng passed)

They all laughed. But one guy laughed the hardest. I suspect that HE was the posessor of the putrid podiatry. I did not do further investigation, though. It ain’t good to be in close quarters with your shoes off on a long trip if your dogs are barkin’.

I just said it in passing, but it kind of caught on. The next thing I knew, it had transmogrified into a musical term which defined bad playing. Now, if a band is doing a bleep-poor job of execution, they are “cone chippin’,” or depending on your geographical configuration, “corn chipping.”

We see it all the time. I don’t like to be hyper-critical of guys’ playing abilities, but when they act like they got it going on and clearly DON’T, they become fair game. See: Most of the bands on “The Next Great American Band.” 

Sadly, I have played quite a few gigs where the chips were flying, and in the interest of providing some relief from all the crooked-preacher-ranting, I will be recounting some of them from time to time.

Like two weeks ago when doing a Jewish wedding, our boss/bandleader neither told us that we had to play “Hava Nagila” nor provided us with the music!!! Come on, now! How you gonna do a JEWISH wedding and butcher up the Jewish WEDDING song?!? I was furious! That’s like playing for Sinatra and not knowing, “My WAY!” That’s like George Bush writing a speech and not using spell check! Cone CHIPPIN’, y’all!

And a WEEK later, we were supposed to do “Just the Way You Are” for the bride and groom’s first dance, and he didn’t tell us about THAT either!!! That doggone song has more changes in it than a freekin’ Liberace show! The singer knew the words, and thought the keyboard player knew it. The bandleader/bassplayer (the LOUDEST instrument on the stage!) tried to catch it on the fly and sounded like he was playing with oven mitts on from the back of a galloping horse! It was crickets and coughing up in there after that was over. (add to that the fact that we started 45 minutes LATE!!!) I can’t go on like this!! Chippun’! Calgon, come git me!!!

The only Christian tail I can pin on this is that I can’t cuss folk out and act a fool in public because of how it would make God look. Thanks for the handcuffs, Lord.

By the way… click this link and you will hear a rehearsal for a Marvin Gaye tribute we do yearly. http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=8227470 The other horns and the strings and backing vocalists were not here on this day, so use your imagination. This is NOT the band I was just griping about!

Sax- me.

Trumpet/flugel- Marc Franklin

Bass- Jackie Clark

Vocals- Larry Springfield

Drums- Dave Mason

Keys- Tim Terry

Percussion-Felix Hernandez

Guitar- Joe Restivo

November 2, 2007 Posted by | Christian Life, Christianity, Humor, Music, Slang, Work | Leave a comment