That NEW Adage

A pressure-relief valve about God, and just about everything else.

Be Married Every Day. Every Day.

Marriage ain’t got a motor! You gotta push it for it to work.

Marriage is like a plant. An indoor plant that needs water every day. You can miss one day, and it’ll be fine. You can miss two days. But if you go a week, the leaves will start to brown around the edges. Before you know it, it’s dead, leaves like corn flakes all over the floor to be divided up by judges and lawyers.

I push my wife. Lovingly. Sometimes it irritates her, I’m sure, but I have seen relationships slowly turn into bland cardboard facsimilies, and I am bound to not let that happen to me! I don’t want to wake up one day and have my wife look at me (or not) like a stranger on an elevator. I tell her how I feel probably hourly. If I don’t say it, I show it. She doesn’t always feel like talking about where we are and what needs to be repaired. Why the Lord would give me someone who is not excessively expressive I don’t know… But I refuse to let her take a day off from being married to me. I won’t let her coast through our relationship.

Some people might call this too much. But I have witnessed too many relationships — of all kind — fizzle and falter because someone thought they were in a comfortable place.

Before I got married I NEVER turned down a gig! Never. That was a commonly-known thing about me. I was single for a long time, but when I got married, Kathy showed me how I needed to take time to do things with her now and then which made me have to miss work. Even though we couldn’t afford it. I realized that little things like going to a movie, or going out of town to visit her family kept the marriage-ball rolling.

I ask her often to tell me how she feels about me, not out of insecurity, but partly to help us both stay aware of who we are to each other. I tell her that we should have periodic, “State of the Marriage” meetings so that we don’t let the moss of discontent build up over time. I have seen what a miserable wife looks like. And I have too many friends and co-workers who think they have it made at the house while their wives are mentally already gone. If mine leaves me, it durn sho* won’t be because I didn’t let her know how I felt. Or that I cheated on her on my gig and somehow rationalized that that was different than being in a relationship!

You can’t fix your leaky roof by shingling somebody else’s!

Over time, the list of wrongs committed can grow long and bitter. At some point we have to just stop.

And start from scratch. Wipe the slate clean and forget about pointed fingers and “you did this, so I did that,” and “you stopped doing this, so I went somewhere else and got that.” We have to go back to square one, forget the hurt and remember the love and the pledge, and just listen.

Pain is a circle with no beginning. There is always a reason for why who did what to whom. The Devil does actually do his job. He wants discord. Those things don’t matter. What matters is restoring a bent and broken relationship. Stop trying to win. The only way you win is to both reach the finish line together.

When I feel a need to bring up something uncomfortable, even though I know it may cause trouble, I do it. I can’t help it. My mother gave me that. I refuse to let a minor irritant grow into poison ivy.

The beauty of this all is that she lets me do this where others have chastised me. Sometimes you have to be the right person to find the right person…

These are things that most of us know. I’m no guru. Far be it from me to give advice with all MY flaws! But even though I make mistakes, I at least know what the answers are.

We know these things, but we just choose not to do them. We’d rather not pick the lock on a closed door than walk through an open one.



April 30, 2008 - Posted by | Advice, Christian Life, Christianity, Family, Marriage | ,


  1. Derrick,

    You’re different from the vast majority of men I know. Let me just say that.

    I’m not married — never been, and the older I get the less it matters. I’ve seen SO much, with friends and family members. I could be tainted, and I accept that (which is not good). I’m way too comfortable in my tainted state. Oh well…

    My single friends and I used to sit at the back of the church, and right before service started, we’d observe the various married couples, interacting with one another (or not interacting). A lot of couples put on a public “face”, for the world. Yes indeed. The ones who sat the closest to one another (complete with locked arms, and “googly” eyes) were the ones closest to ending it all. Who knew? We found that out later, when divorce announcements were made.

    What am I saying? I don’t know. Relationships are fragile. They need constant “girding” to build strength and endurance, for the inevitable storms of life. The redundancy of life can be numbing, and by the time you start to feel, it’s so late in the game — sometimes too late.

    Keep keepin’ it real, Derrick!

    Comment by ANappyGirl | April 30, 2008 | Reply

  2. […] and gray together, while others are content with letting their bond fizzle?   This blog, titled Be Married Every Day. Every Day., was FANTASTIC in its explanation of how you need to work at a marriage and give it attention to […]

    Pingback by Be Married Every Day… « Just living is not enough… | April 30, 2008 | Reply

  3. Brother it’s a hard job being married. It is easily for me to walk out of my marriage than to stay and try to make it work. Yet, I have made a chose to stick it out. Be married every day sounds great only when it’s going great.

    Comment by Ann Brock | May 11, 2008 | Reply

  4. Hey, Annie! Thanks.
    My point in saying to be married every day is that the hard days are when you have to do it! It is easy to love someone when they’re being lovable. When times are tough is when you have to love in the verb tense.

    Comment by maxdaddy | May 12, 2008 | Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: