That NEW Adage

A pressure-relief valve about God, and just about everything else.

Parentnoia!


That’s what popped into my head when my wife said I was being excessively worrisome about having a daughter. Oh, yeah… We’re having a GIRL!!! Just found out.

I got the shotgun on layaway.

How am I going to raise a girl? I’m not even talking about combing hair and buying baby dolls! I’m talking about BOYS! I have to teach her what the boys really mean. When they try to “just be friends.” I’ve got to show her how to recognize “game” when they shoot it at her. She has to know how to conduct herself. She can’t be flighty, and I don’t want any stuck-up queens in my house! I have to tell her about what is love and what is simply lust. I have to let her know not to flirt and lead them on. I have to teach her self-respect and purity. I’ve got to keep her out of the videos!

I’ve got to show her what to look for in a man, and how to treat a husband. I’m looking waaaay down the line. She’s not even here yet, and I’m thinking that if she wants to be a nun, that’s cool, too! Are there any protestant nuns…?

I’m thinking about boys coming to my door like crocodiles on a riverbank in Africa, trying to devour my baby like a wildebeest. I’m thinking about hurtin’ ’em! Shoot, every time you look around, some fool has bumped off his wife, or killed his girlfriend, and I’m thinking, “If you touch mine, I’m gonna clock you out!” I know that’s not exactly Christian. But mine ain’t the one to be messed with! I promise you that! I think that, as far as my daughter is concerned, domestic violence warrants the death penalty!

So, in order for me to keep from sinning against God by prematurely sending somebody’s son His way, I’m worrying about how to keep my daughter from swinging around on stripper poles!

I work in nightclubs. I see it all! I do sorority parties, and I see Daddy’s little girl making a drunken slut of herself on a regular basis. Daddy has no idea. I would think to myself, “Man! I’m glad I got a boy!” And look at me now. How am I gonna stop THAT from happening to mine?

I know the answers to these questions. But the reality is that even well-raised kids often go astray, and nowadays, with all the wanton immorality out there, one dalliance can spell a lifetime of disaster! I know about the prodigal son, but I don’t know if prodigal daughters come back.

I don’t want my daughter desensitized to the stigma of premarital sex and single motherhood. I don’t want her to think it’s cool to shack up, that that’s how you know if you’re compatible. I don’t want her to think that marriage is just a piece of paper. I don’t want my daughter to have given little pieces of herself away to the point where by the time she does meet her husband, there will be nothing left but a hollow shell. I don’t want a Paris Hilton, or a Li’l Kim, or a video rumpshaker.

I know, I know. If I set the right example, she will not fall for the”okey doke.” She will not let herself be mistreated.

But still… There is a lot more to deal with with a girl. There IS a double standard, and like it or not, it’s not going to change. No matter how hard the feminists try.

So yeah, I may be a little parentnoid, but that will keep me on my toes! And if any of you young boys out there think my daughter is a grape for you to pick from the vine, remember this:

By the time you get to my door, that shotgun will be out of layaway and in my lap. I will usher you directly into the Lord’s presence! My girl ain’t gonna be the lead story on “Unsolved Mysteries”!

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November 13, 2007 - Posted by | Fatherhood, Life, Morality, Parenthood, Parenting, Pregnancy

7 Comments »

  1. Congratulations to you and your wife (and little Max). You should frame this and give to your daughter on her wedding day!

    Comment by Katherine | November 13, 2007 | Reply

  2. First, huge congrats! I have a daughter and there is nothing like it in the world.

    And now a word of comfort! I used to be one of those girls you see, looking for love in all the wrong places (sorry, I couldn’t resist!) and on behalf of myself and probably 99% of all the other party girls out there let me just tell you the biggest thing you can do to prevent your daughter from becoming one of us…yep, you already know…just be there.

    Be the strong man in her life and she won’t go looking for one. It may sound too simplified but I swear, it is so true. All those girls you see on the stripper poles don’t have daddy at home waiting on her, I promise you that. So just be there, be close, be strong…and half the battle is won.

    Now the OTHER half, the part with the boys?? Keep that shotgun handy and never let her out of your sight. ‘Nuff said. 🙂

    Comment by missy | November 13, 2007 | Reply

  3. Thank you both, Katherine and Missy.
    Those words are reassuring.
    Yeah, all my friends tell me that doing what I am doing, and being that present father figure will eliminate a lot of the pitfalls.
    Missy? I’m glad you came back! You made me laugh, too, at the end. I have THREE sisters, and NO brothers to help me protect them. I still struggle with letting them be grown and bump their heads while realizing that I have my OWN family to be responsible for. I can’t run around being their enforcer anymore.
    But no one has ever laid a hand on them!

    Comment by maxdaddy | November 13, 2007 | Reply

  4. Nice blog, and yeah you’re right, having a big brother and a big father around definitely had some fellas intimidated.

    I know you and Daddy probably had some choice words for a few of them.

    The aunties are going to show Max and Diana what to avoid too!!! Max needs to know what to avoid too.

    Comment by Suntu | November 13, 2007 | Reply

  5. Just make sure Max grows up to appreciate the kind of woman his sister will become. We often think of the girls, but if we also teach our sons, then the “shotguns” can stay in…layaway.

    We need to raise virtuous sons, to go with our virtuous daughters.

    Comment by anappygirl | November 13, 2007 | Reply

  6. I can’t argue with THAT. My sister, above you, made essentially the same comment.

    I just know that from my experiences in a lot of “locker room” situations, guys can tend to victimize the ladies. I’m basically saying that I have to show her all the tricks! And I’m also going to let the potentials know that she doesn’t have a father so pre-occupied with his OWN life that he will ignore any aspect of his kids’ lives.

    I know what to tell Max from first-hand experience. I want him to be like me, but better than I. My mistakes will teach him as well…

    Comment by maxdaddy | November 13, 2007 | Reply

  7. You have already being wrap, around her fingers.
    (Daddy can I…sure you can)little girls do it every
    time. Congratulation!

    Comment by Ann Brock | November 21, 2007 | Reply


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